Our Discipline Methods
Anybody who knows me and Evie personally knows we are VERY alike, both stubborn, both very independent and both very set on its our way or the highway! So you can imagine how hard it can be when we butt heads. Our personalities can clash something shocking and there have been many a times where I have found myself wondering how on earth I am supposed to take control of the situation and enforce some discipline.
It was at this point we decided that we really needed to invest sometime speaking to other parents about how they discipline their children, reading around online and trying out the different methods to see as a family what would be the most effective method and suit us the best. So I thought I'd share with you what we found and how we found them. I'd just like to point out though that we did start using these methods from around the time Evie was 3 and still use some of them now after she has just turned 4.
1)Positive Discipline
One of the most written about methods of discipline I found online was positive discipline. There were websites after websites, blogs after blogs and so so so many posts on Pinterest of all places explaining what is, what and how best to go about implementing it, how it worked and how it was different to other methods of commonly used discipline. From what I understand ( and I could be wrong!) the idea is you use positive rewards instead of negative ones. For example if Evie behaved and ate her dinner without any fuss she was allowed two books over the usual one book instead of it being if Evie was naughty and didn't eat her dinner she would be sent to bed without a book read to her. One of my mummy friends also recommended it and really said it worked for them too. We tried it and honestly it just wasn't for us, Evie wasn't at the age where she too fussed about losing out on certain things when we tried this method it honestly meant nothing to her. Wether we just didn't implement it properly, missed out on an important factor or it simply wasn't for us I don't know!
2) A Reward Chart
This method to me is a good old classic, I'm pretty sure I myself remember having a rewards chart at some point in my childhood. Our first port of call was to find a reward chart that Evie would be interested in, would be relevant to her and wasn't too garish or big we couldn't fit it anywhere. I'll link the Peppa Pig one we used at the bottom of this post, it was A4, came with stickers and a pen to write on and was very reasonably priced. We used things such as eating up all my dinner, dressing myself, not shouting and tidying up as the things Evie needed to do to get stars on her chart. We decided between us all what her reward would be and printed off a photo because lets be real as a 3 year old who can't read what do words actually mean? At first the chart was very effective, we chose not to combine the positive discipline with the reward chart which therefore meant we could take away stars as well as give them. But then randomly stickers would appear on the chart, as in 5 stickers at a time randomly out of nowhere and we soon discovered that Evie has been putting stickers on herself. It was hard to implement and use a threat also when we were out and about without taking the chart itself down and taking it with us wherever we went. We found it difficult as Evie had (and still doesn't have)no concept of time, it meant nothing to her if we said if you're a good girl and behave you can have your treat on Friday. We could have been promising her a kingdom castle and she wouldn't have known any different! But I'm definitely going to try using this as Evie gets older and we begin introducing chores as I think it'll really help structure when and what she must do for the reward at the end.
3)The Naughty Step
This has been by far our most successful discipline method, its the one we use to date and the one Evie knows we 100% ALWAYS stick to. We have found it the easiest to implement out and about too because there is always a step nearby and failing that Evie will be asked to sit at our feet. Not in a derogative manner just so she has one spot she must sit at for the given time. The first time Evie is doing something she shouldn't be such as annoying her younger brother, messing around eating her food or not following instructions given she is given her first warning. The second time it happens she will be told again and warned that if it happens again she will be sat on the naughty step, usually at this point she stops. However if she wasn't to stop she would be asked or placed on the naughty step depending on the mood she is in and told she must sit there for 5 minutes. Sometimes I will put a timer on my phone to help me keep track inside I get distracted. For the next 5 minutes Evie is ignored, if she removes herself from the step she will be placed back on the step however nothing will be said to her. After the timer has gone off I go back to Evie, get down the her level and ask her why she was placed on the naughty step, I ask her to apologise to me for not listening and tell her I love her. She is then free to go about doing her business. We have found it a discipline technique that is simple yet effective, both of us along with family can carry it out also.
*Following through with it!
One of the most important points I have seen made whilst reading up around discipline is you must do what you say and stick to your guns. If the punishment is you'll lose your tablet for the afternoon then no matter how much extra hard work it may cause you, you must stick to your guns. Children aren't thick, they know that if you threaten to do something and only 1 in 10 times do you do it they can get away with murder for the vast majority of the time. We've really found this rings true with Evie, there have been times Evie has lost toys, not had her favourite pudding after dinner, not had the toy she had asked for from the toy shop. And as harsh as this may sound Evie knows we mean business!
*Talking about it and asking questions
As I have a tendency ( especially by 5 o'clock on an evening, when everybody is tired and grumpy) to become a shouty mum this one was important to me. I often find myself having to take 2 minutes to gather myself up and stop myself being that shouty mum and instead talking to Evie about her feelings and what has made her behave in the way she has. I read somewhere children learn more by answering questions and using their brains than having to listen to the same instructions like "No" "don't do that" "stop doing that". So instead of saying those things me and Evie try talk about it, I ask her questions such as, what could happen if you do that again? What should we use our hands for? Who might we scare if we shout? Not only does it prevent a forever louder shouting match between the pair of us but it means Evie is learning why and not just what. I'd also like to think it is creating a good relationship between the pair of us that as she grows older she feels safe and comfortable enough to come and talk to me about her problems and troubles she may be having outside of our home.
I do believe discipline is a very personal thing as a parent and so unique to what a child needs. It's not something you should be judged on as a parent as long as you have reasoning behind how you choose to do it and aren't just venting your frustrations through punishing your children. I don't want to ruin mine and Evie's relationship or bond. I want us to have a mother and daughter bond and not a school teacher and pupil bond although sometimes I do believe it is cruel to be kind.
I'd love to hear your opinions on discipline, whats work for you and what doesn't!
Heres the link to the reward chart...
https://www.ebay.co.uk/itm/Re-usable-Reward-Chart-including-FREE-Star-Stickers-and-Pen-Peppa-Pig/251867547190?hash=item3aa479c636:g:p3EAAOSwofxUlddv
Much Love
Soph
x
It was at this point we decided that we really needed to invest sometime speaking to other parents about how they discipline their children, reading around online and trying out the different methods to see as a family what would be the most effective method and suit us the best. So I thought I'd share with you what we found and how we found them. I'd just like to point out though that we did start using these methods from around the time Evie was 3 and still use some of them now after she has just turned 4.
1)Positive Discipline
One of the most written about methods of discipline I found online was positive discipline. There were websites after websites, blogs after blogs and so so so many posts on Pinterest of all places explaining what is, what and how best to go about implementing it, how it worked and how it was different to other methods of commonly used discipline. From what I understand ( and I could be wrong!) the idea is you use positive rewards instead of negative ones. For example if Evie behaved and ate her dinner without any fuss she was allowed two books over the usual one book instead of it being if Evie was naughty and didn't eat her dinner she would be sent to bed without a book read to her. One of my mummy friends also recommended it and really said it worked for them too. We tried it and honestly it just wasn't for us, Evie wasn't at the age where she too fussed about losing out on certain things when we tried this method it honestly meant nothing to her. Wether we just didn't implement it properly, missed out on an important factor or it simply wasn't for us I don't know!
2) A Reward Chart
This method to me is a good old classic, I'm pretty sure I myself remember having a rewards chart at some point in my childhood. Our first port of call was to find a reward chart that Evie would be interested in, would be relevant to her and wasn't too garish or big we couldn't fit it anywhere. I'll link the Peppa Pig one we used at the bottom of this post, it was A4, came with stickers and a pen to write on and was very reasonably priced. We used things such as eating up all my dinner, dressing myself, not shouting and tidying up as the things Evie needed to do to get stars on her chart. We decided between us all what her reward would be and printed off a photo because lets be real as a 3 year old who can't read what do words actually mean? At first the chart was very effective, we chose not to combine the positive discipline with the reward chart which therefore meant we could take away stars as well as give them. But then randomly stickers would appear on the chart, as in 5 stickers at a time randomly out of nowhere and we soon discovered that Evie has been putting stickers on herself. It was hard to implement and use a threat also when we were out and about without taking the chart itself down and taking it with us wherever we went. We found it difficult as Evie had (and still doesn't have)no concept of time, it meant nothing to her if we said if you're a good girl and behave you can have your treat on Friday. We could have been promising her a kingdom castle and she wouldn't have known any different! But I'm definitely going to try using this as Evie gets older and we begin introducing chores as I think it'll really help structure when and what she must do for the reward at the end.
3)The Naughty Step
This has been by far our most successful discipline method, its the one we use to date and the one Evie knows we 100% ALWAYS stick to. We have found it the easiest to implement out and about too because there is always a step nearby and failing that Evie will be asked to sit at our feet. Not in a derogative manner just so she has one spot she must sit at for the given time. The first time Evie is doing something she shouldn't be such as annoying her younger brother, messing around eating her food or not following instructions given she is given her first warning. The second time it happens she will be told again and warned that if it happens again she will be sat on the naughty step, usually at this point she stops. However if she wasn't to stop she would be asked or placed on the naughty step depending on the mood she is in and told she must sit there for 5 minutes. Sometimes I will put a timer on my phone to help me keep track inside I get distracted. For the next 5 minutes Evie is ignored, if she removes herself from the step she will be placed back on the step however nothing will be said to her. After the timer has gone off I go back to Evie, get down the her level and ask her why she was placed on the naughty step, I ask her to apologise to me for not listening and tell her I love her. She is then free to go about doing her business. We have found it a discipline technique that is simple yet effective, both of us along with family can carry it out also.
*Following through with it!
One of the most important points I have seen made whilst reading up around discipline is you must do what you say and stick to your guns. If the punishment is you'll lose your tablet for the afternoon then no matter how much extra hard work it may cause you, you must stick to your guns. Children aren't thick, they know that if you threaten to do something and only 1 in 10 times do you do it they can get away with murder for the vast majority of the time. We've really found this rings true with Evie, there have been times Evie has lost toys, not had her favourite pudding after dinner, not had the toy she had asked for from the toy shop. And as harsh as this may sound Evie knows we mean business!
*Talking about it and asking questions
As I have a tendency ( especially by 5 o'clock on an evening, when everybody is tired and grumpy) to become a shouty mum this one was important to me. I often find myself having to take 2 minutes to gather myself up and stop myself being that shouty mum and instead talking to Evie about her feelings and what has made her behave in the way she has. I read somewhere children learn more by answering questions and using their brains than having to listen to the same instructions like "No" "don't do that" "stop doing that". So instead of saying those things me and Evie try talk about it, I ask her questions such as, what could happen if you do that again? What should we use our hands for? Who might we scare if we shout? Not only does it prevent a forever louder shouting match between the pair of us but it means Evie is learning why and not just what. I'd also like to think it is creating a good relationship between the pair of us that as she grows older she feels safe and comfortable enough to come and talk to me about her problems and troubles she may be having outside of our home.
I do believe discipline is a very personal thing as a parent and so unique to what a child needs. It's not something you should be judged on as a parent as long as you have reasoning behind how you choose to do it and aren't just venting your frustrations through punishing your children. I don't want to ruin mine and Evie's relationship or bond. I want us to have a mother and daughter bond and not a school teacher and pupil bond although sometimes I do believe it is cruel to be kind.
I'd love to hear your opinions on discipline, whats work for you and what doesn't!
Heres the link to the reward chart...
https://www.ebay.co.uk/itm/Re-usable-Reward-Chart-including-FREE-Star-Stickers-and-Pen-Peppa-Pig/251867547190?hash=item3aa479c636:g:p3EAAOSwofxUlddv
Much Love
Soph
x
Aw we use the positive reinforcements method. The reward chart didnt work for us either as Hollie got bored. We kind of use the step but it's more of a quiet zone in our house where Hollie goes go cool off as when we used it in the way you did she got herself way too worked up. But like you say definitely following through with any method or threat is the key xx
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